Dear Rosie O’Donnell,

The first thing I saw when I turned on the news this morning was you. It scares the fuck out of me when that happens. If I’ve have a few cups, I can mentally protect myself, but this morning the water was still heating up when your image hit my retina, jarring me out of what had been a pleasant awakening with the kitties on my pillow. It’s only been a week since the “ching chung chong” nonsense, so I was a little surprised that you needed to put yourself in the news again already. Even Britny waits a few weeks between idiotic shenanigans.

I had been in your camp on the “ching chong chung” thing, because I thought it was silly. After all, your job title is “comedian”, despite the fact that I’ve never heard you say a single funny thing in your entire career. I figure even a pathetic, ineffective, sad excuse for a comedian such as yourself can be excused for such gaffes. The rights of a fool to be excused for being a fool goes back to the days when the comedians were, in fact, called “fools” by the royalty they served. But this week, you went beyond “fool” and careened straight into “hypocritical bitch-skag.”

First of all, what does Miss USA have to do with you, besides the tingly feeling you get in your tongue when you look at her? Nothing. Yet, you decided to project yourself into it anyway. And in trying to mock Donald Trump’s morality, you exposed your own shortcomings quite well. You said that the Don has no place being the “moral compass for 20 year old women”, and that much is true, but how did he give anyone who was watching the idea that he was? After all, he wasn’t the one calling her out for her behavior. That was the tabloids. He behaved as anyone running a business should – there’s a flap in the press about one of his employees, and he addressed it from a damage control perspective. What’s morally wrong about that?

Furthermore, you were on TV passing judgement on a woman that you’ve never met or spoken to. You stated that she should be fired for what you have HEARD she did. This is the moral pedestal you speak from? Castigating a total stranger over events you yourself did not witness? Did you ever have a drink, Rosie? If so, did you abstain until you were of legal age? I’d say just about every 20 year old in America that does NOT live in an Amish community has had a drink or two. Or 200. Compared to you, Mrs. Kravitz on Bewitched was fair-minded. At least she saw the things she talked about first hand. To put it simply, passing public judgement on someone you’ve never met on the basis of hearsay is not the most moral way to behave.

Your comments about Trump’s morality had to go well into the past to find a point, didn’t they? You cited his divorces and his philandering, neither of which have anything to do with the issue at hand. What did he do in the press conference that set you off? He FORGAVE someone. He gave someone who made some mistakes a second chance. Why does forgiveness and the will to help another person seem so immoral to you, especially at Christmas? In my eyes, Trump moved up a few rungs on the humanity ladder. I mean, what’s the guy’s catch phrase? “You’re fired.” I was pleased to see that he isn’t a one-trick pony. I was pleased to see her get a second chance. I mean, it’s not like her job is important. She wasn’t head of FEMA or anything. People didn’t die as a result of her being a ALLEGED drunken fuck-toy. Everyone who screws up without causing actual harm to others deserves a second chance. You got one, remember?

It happened a few years ago, when you came out of your closet (obviously a walk-in). You’d been pretending, quite publicly, to be something you’re not for years. What was all that panting and drooling and mooning over Tom Cruise about? You went on and on about being in lust with him for years, only to reveal that Nicole was more your type. Phoniness isn’t exactly high on the list of good moral traits, you know. That’s one thing Don has over you- he is what he is, and we know what he is. He’s a horn-dog, and has the money to indulge himself. Can you say for certain that either of his previous wives truly loved him more than they loved his money? I thought not. Perhaps you should shut the fuck up about marriages you aren’t involved in. In fact, you should just shut the fuck up, period.

By the way, Don’s getting the laughs, at your expense. Seeing him rip on your looks on CNN made me laugh out loud, because he’s got you pegged. You ARE a slob. You always look like you just came in from a day of gardening. And he was right when he called you a fatass, too. I suspect that he’s thinking the same thing I am – that you’re jealous of this gorgeous young girl, and would enjoy seeing her taken down a peg or two. Now THAT’S morality.

Anyway, the lawsuit ought to be fun. You made it out that he can’t sue you because he’s broke. Ha. I’d like to be one fifth as broke as that guy. Perhaps he’ll be the one to finally shut your big fat mouth.

BTW, if you’re reading this, Rosie, scroll down two entries. There’s someone there I bet you’d like to meet.

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13 Comments

  1. This cracks my shit up.

  2. I can’t stand Trump OR O’DOnnell, so this is fun to watch! I think they should meet for a real-live “celebrity” death match!!

  3. I’m with Nat! And seriously–is the Donald going to sue the Rosie for saying he has bad hair? That’s so re-re.

  4. “re-re”????

  5. Do you have a link to what she said Joe?

  6. Great missive, Joe! You’ve convincingly called a spade a spade (whatever the fuck that means). Being as this was something I couldn’t care less about, I have to say you’ve got my interest piqued. Trump and Rosie are both big-mouthed publicity whores – screw ’em!

  7. The movers and shakers say re-re now instead of tard. I try to stay hep to the lingo, daddy-o.

  8. Oy Joe… you were doing so well until you sunk to their level. Over 60% of the female population is considered obese. I am one of those… so does that make me a fat ass? I guess it does. I think you could have left out the name calling. It makes you just as bad as the folks you tried to ream a new one.

  9. ( I’d say just about every 20 year old in America that does NOT live in an Amish community has had a drink or two.)

    well, just because they are amish doesn’t mean they don’t drink and smoke- and drag race daddy’s buggy- kids will be kids.

  10. Sorry you took it that way, Phoenix. I’m a bit of a fatass, too, which is why I’ve recently started going to the gym. Another thing I have in common with over 60% of the female population? We all did that to ourselves.

  11. Hey, Trollman…MERRY CHRISTMAS!

  12. ha! this was splendid. JUST splendid! Rosie is a cow.

  13. Agree with it all.

    Phoenix, calling one fat woman a “fatass” does not denigrate all “oversized” women everywhere. It denigrates exactly one morbidly obese asshole of a female.

    Dawn, don’t diss the cute cowsies, ‘k? They moo, and give milk, and some of them give steaks, too.
    Alright, they fart, and that’s not so great, but we can forgive them that, surely.


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