American Asshole: January 2007

Welcome to the first Under the Bridge Asshole of the Month contest! Each month, you will be asked to vote for one of several assholes, that one individual who you think exemplifies assholiness the best. Next January, the lucky 12 will be posted for the 2nd annual Under the Bridge Asshole of the Year competition!

I will pick the contestants every month. If you have a suggestion, feel free to send it to me via e-mail at I will entertain suggestions, but not feel beholden to them. I am certain that many of you will know about assholes that I am unaware of, so feel free to send suggestions, along with a link to the reason for your suggestion.

For every contestant, I will provide a link to the info that made them, in my mind, qualify for consideration. That way you don’t have to take my word for it, you can see the reason for yourself and judge it by it’s assholy merits. Any monthly winner will be ineligible to be AOTM for the remainer of the year, although they can still rack up reasons to be Asshole of the Year. One (1) vote per person. Voting will be open for one week each month.

And now, let’s look at January’s assholes, shall we?

Contestant #1 – Mike Nifong   Justice isn’t served by underhanded means.

Contestant #2 – Rosie O’Donnell Thank you, Eden, for providing the links!

Contestant #3 – Ted Nugent  Such an asshole he even offends Republicans.

Contestant #4 – Steve Doocy Get your facts straight, dickhead.

Contestant #5- Alberto Gonzalez – Isn’t understanding the Constitution key to your job?

Contestant #6 – Dick Cheney – Know thyself.

Man, assholes are easy to find.


The memes of avalon

Stolen verbatim from Jenna.

This is a list of the 50 most significant science fiction/fantasy novels, 1953-2002, according to the Science Fiction Book Club.

Bold the ones you’ve read, strike-out the ones you hated, italicize those you started but never finished and put an asterisk beside the ones you loved.

The Lord of the Rings, J.R.R. Tolkien
The Foundation Trilogy, Isaac Asimov*
Dune, Frank Herbert
Stranger in a Strange Land, Robert A. Heinlein*
A Wizard of Earthsea, Ursula K. Le Guin
Neuromancer, William Gibson
Childhood’s End, Arthur C. Clarke
Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?, Philip K. Dick
The Mists of Avalon, Marion Zimmer Bradley
Fahrenheit 451, Ray Bradbury
The Book of the New Sun, Gene Wolfe
A Canticle for Leibowitz, Walter M. Miller, Jr.
The Caves of Steel, Isaac Asimov
Children of the Atom, Wilmar Shiras
Cities in Flight, James Blish
The Colour of Magic, Terry Pratchett
Dangerous Visions, edited by Harlan Ellison
Deathbird Stories, Harlan Ellison
The Demolished Man, Alfred Bester
Dhalgren, Samuel R. Delany
Dragonflight, Anne McCaffrey
Ender’s Game, Orson Scott Card
The First Chronicles of Thomas Covenant the Unbeliever, Stephen R. Donaldson
The Forever War, Joe Haldeman
Gateway, Frederik Pohl
Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone, J.K. Rowling
The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, Douglas Adams*
I Am Legend, Richard Matheson
Interview with the Vampire, Anne Rice
The Left Hand of Darkness, Ursula K. Le Guin
Little, Big, John Crowley
Lord of Light, Roger Zelazny
The Man in the High Castle, Philip K. Dick
Mission of Gravity, Hal Clement
More Than Human, Theodore Sturgeon
The Rediscovery of Man, Cordwainer Smith
On the Beach, Nevil Shute
Rendezvous with Rama, Arthur C. Clarke
Ringworld, Larry Niven
Rogue Moon, Algis Budrys
The Silmarillion, J.R.R. Tolkien
Slaughterhouse-5, Kurt Vonnegut
Snow Crash, Neal Stephenson
Stand on Zanzibar, John Brunner
The Stars My Destination, Alfred Bester
Starship Troopers, Robert A. Heinlein
Stormbringer, Michael Moorcock
The Sword of Shannara, Terry Brooks
Timescape, Gregory Benford
To Your Scattered Bodies Go, Philip Jose Farmer

The funny thing is, I have read a lot more science fiction than this…… in fact science fiction (I never, ever say “sci-fi”, and recommend slow torture for those that do) is what I’ve read the most of. Many of my favorite writers are up there, I just didn’t read those particular books. For instance, Roger Zelazny’s Chronicles of Amber is something I would have put up there…… it’s a 5-book series I liked enough to read twice. I have Lord of Light, I just haven’t gotten around to it yet. Asimov- I’ve read almost all of his fiction…… there’s just a few books I’m holding on to for savoring purposes. I’ve read Vonnegut, Blish, Ellison, Clarke, and I’m pretty sure I’ve read some Sturgeon, just not these particular titles. I guess I know what to read during the summer break from school.

In case you’re wondering why none of them are stricken out, it’s because when I get to hating a book, I generally don’t finish it. I move on to something more palatable. The ones I didn’t like, then, are italicized.

That’s soil, folks!

I just heard a person on the radio mention that he was standing on “American soil”, and it got me to wondering……..

 Suppose I have a pickup truck loaded with dirt, or “Good ol’ American soil.” I then drive this truck into Canada, where I dump the entire load. Is it then “Canadian soil”, or is it “American soil currently residing in Canada”? Before I dumped it, was it “Tourist soil”?

Help me with this, please. It’s the kind of thing that bugs the hell out of me at 3:00 AM.

The duck that still wouldn’t die…….

I first posted about it here……

…and now there’s this.

Ummm….. was it  specifically said  that the second coming would be human?

UPDATE: This just in….. a photo of the scene near the fridge.


on a lighter note….

***You Should Spend Your Summer in the City***
You’re a trooper, and the summer heat doesn’t really get to you.
So you rather stay in the city, where you can sip iced lattes and go to midnight movies.
Forget the beach! You rather be where the good restaurants and stores are.
Where Should You Spend Your Summer?

The state of hate.

My WTFometer blasted loudly across the office this morning when I logged on and read this. It seems that some actor from some doctor show that I don’t watch is entering therapy because he said an unkind word. He needs, evidently, to be reeducated.

In a recent debate about racism I said “Have we achieved racial amity in America? Not really, we’ve just established that certain people cannot say certain words. ” This is fine example of just that.

While this wasn’t exactly racism, it still fits the “intolerance” mold. At least, all the “tsk tsk”ers are saying so. And there are plenty of those.

I wonder why, though. After all, much of the country is currently involved with trying to make it illegal in their states for gays to be married. Much of the country still opposes gay adoptions. Gays are frequently targeted for violence and murdered just because they’re gay. In more than half of the United States, it is still legal to fire an otherwise perfect employee simply because that person is a homosexual. Don’t be openly gay if you’d like a military career, either. As a country, we have not come anywhere close to treating gays, as a whole, like people.

But boy, aren’t we good folks for being down on that hater that said a word. Man, it’s bad to say words like that. Go ahead and fire the guy, or deny him the same rights as everyone else in the country, but don’t call him a faggot. If you do, you need therapy to find out what’s wrong with you. Hater.

This is indicative of American thought. We don’t need to change ourselves, first of all. We need to change other people. And the best way to change what is in their hearts and minds is to change the way they talk. Everything will be okay if we make sure that certain people don’t say certain words. Not everyone, mind you. After all, I’m sure it’s still okay for Harvey Feirstien to call Elton John a faggot. After all, they’re both faggots, right? It’s the straight people who cannot say the word. Nothing wrong with voting against the marriages or denying the adoption, that’s your right as a free American. But don’t say the word.

So what, exactly, does this accomplish? Does it bring the gays of America any closer to legal and social equality? Does it make them secure in their jobs, their homes, or walking down the street? Does it make the rest of us better, more open hearted, more open-minded, than we were before?

I don’t think so. I think it just makes us all that little bit more superficial. After all, don’t a hater’s actions speak more loudly than a hater’s words?

Just in case I’m wrong, though, I’d like to say to all the fags, dykes, beaners, kikes, jigaboos, slopes, dotheads, sand niggers, limeys, frogs, nips, tards, fatasses, runts, hicks, and Republicans that I may have offended in the past, I am deeply sorry. I will never use words like that again. In fact, I have just now used most of these for the first time, and I feel horrible about it.

Not you assholes, though. I have a special post for you people next week.

Critters in the news

I don’t have anything to add to these stories…… I’ll just let you comment!

Boy’s screaming kills chickens.

The duck that would not die.

Iguana can’t get it down.

Chimp escapes cage, goes on cleaning spree. (I want to adopt this chimp!)

Scorpions on a plane!