Murder, He Polled.

Inspired by a conversation at Cheezy’s.


Okay, so you’ve decided to murder someone. Don’t bother me with details, the rat bastard deserves it, okay? So, how do you do it? What is your weapon of choice? Gun? Knife? Rope? Scissors? Rapier wit?

For myself, I’d do it in the library with a candlestick.




  1. Poisoned tea, in the morning room, with some lovely little cookies.

  2. As I said at Cheezy’s, I’d use martial arts. To be more specific, if in close I’d rip out the throat. If at a distance I’d throw a shuriken.

  3. I’d sign him up for the Army and let Dubya send him to Iraq!

  4. Jeff, I am sensing some hidden anger in you. I bet PJ hasn’t sent you any chicken pot pies in a while. Am I right, or am I right?

  5. I’d pay someone else to do it.

    I do very little for myself that I can pay someone else to do, and better. Cooking, cleaning, manicures, killing someone who desperately deserves it…

  6. Snark- I have a question for you, but didn’t see an e-mail at your site. Mine is

  7. Tied helpless to chair, plastic bag over head, asphyxiation. All handling with rubber gloves. Done in victim’s home. Use stolen car to get there, and return stolen car, before it’s discovered, when finished (best for this is some family’s second car from across town, not used every day). Assistants are liability, must do alone, requires one be in good shape and also have trust of victim. Let’s see, I think this is sufficiently vague, no incriminating details. Good.

  8. Never pay someone else, they will rat you out.

    Martial arts, too many variables. Shuriken fatal only if throw is exceedingly accurate. Throat-rip very messy, DNA evidence all over you. Victim may fight back and get a blow in, raising bruise.

    Poison tea is very nice. Lace tea or tea bags with suitable substance and let victim kill self while you are on holiday cruise. Grandchildren, cats etc who may also fall prey not your concern (except they may raise case profile to dangerous level).

    Candlestick okay, but must also ransack house and take portable items of value. Dump them over fence at local flea market. Take victim’s car and abandon in bad part of town with keys in ignition.

  9. Forgot to mention, in case of any chance of blood spray, donate all clothes worn to homeless shelter. Drop unseen into after-hours box.

    Evidently this is more interesting than my job today.

  10. Don- You’re a little TOO good at this…..

  11. Note to self: Never, but never, piss off Don.

  12. And if you do, keep one eye on him at all times.

  13. Uh, thanks for the advice Don… uh… I gotta go.

  14. In the garage with a whacking great spanner across the back of the head. Simple, effective and about the only time i would actually make use of a whacking great spanner.

  15. I had to look up “whacking great spanner”. I felt compelled to confess to it publicly.

    But now I’m going to use it in everyday conversation! Learned One Thing Today? Check! Good, now I can start on the liquor. Learnin’ Before Liquor, that’s my motto.

  16. Oh…Joe, replied. Hope you rec’d.

  17. The method I would use? The telephone. I know a guy, who has a friend, from over by der. He could be in a barrel at the bottom of lake Michigan in no time.

  18. I’m a poison gal all the way. I’ve written two books & killed people in both of them. One was poisoned/stabbed & the other bludgeoned with a baseball bat. Don’t know what that says about me.

  19. First I’d sap the bastard’s will to live with sarcasm, and then I’d finish him off with a pointed stick.

  20. Hypodermic needle, air bubble in the blood stream. Drop a hair dryer in the tub. Cast iron skillet to the back of the head. Rip their throat out with my teeth.

    Bullet in the brainpan, squish!

    Um…. Depends on why they need to be murdered, and whether or not I’m worried about being caught, I guess.

  21. I’d go with the classic female technique of poison. Either that or garrotte. Those are just too cool.

  22. “Rip their throat out with my teeth.”


  23. Icicle. Icicle right smack in the eye. I’m outta there, it melts, no murder weapon, I’m clear.

    Thanks for asking.

  24. Nothing is would seem more satisfying than murder by “accident,” and I’d have to say that a good heroin overdose is would seem to be most satisfying.

    Then again, there’s always fucking somebody’s brains out.

  25. Oh, and there’s alwasy antifreeze in their iced tea.

  26. “Then again, there’s always fucking somebody’s brains out.”

    I knew it! Anna Nichole WAS murdered!

  27. She had brains? Who knew?

  28. Note to self: Never, but never, piss off Don.

    Never piss on him, either. Unless he’s weird that way.

    LSD enema, administered while they’re on the second floor of a home with a balcony, then encourage them to fly. <– ‘k, watchin’ too many CSI reruns

  29. Wow Joe, I love this question. I’m too methodical to spout one out. I guess it depends on how heinous it was, or for what. If it’s a straight hit, I’d snipe “em. That’s quick easy and can be from a good distance, no dry cleaning. But if there was anger involved, I’d have to play with it, make ’em wish they were dead. I think it was Alfred Hitchcock who said the perfect murder weapon would be an icicle, the evidence melts.

  30. I want Don on my Killing Team.

  31. Yes, Hitch brought that up in the Trouffaut (sic, damn frenchie) interviews. It was George Carlin who proposed that the perfect murder technique would be to pick one person up and use him to beat another person to death.

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