American Asshole: March

While I deal with a lot of political topics, I try not to pick an overall side. On some issues, like gay marriage or marijuana legalization, I’m liberal in my thinking. On others, like gun control or federal funding of abortions, I’m a conservative thinker. On other issues, like border security, I’m not either, because I’d actually like something done about it.

Anyway, I don’t want this to be a “liberal” blog or a “conservative” blog, because of that. Of course, people will tend to give labels anyway, as I said below, and that becomes easier when most of the AA candidates are on the right side of the aisle. I’m more than willing to consider liberals to be assholes, but it just seems that the most vocal and obvious assholes these days are among the conservatives (for the purposes of this post, Nancy Pelosi wouldn’t count, but she may NEXT month. This post is all about March, and her hotly contested actions started in April.) With that in mind, I have let it be known that all of you are welcome to make your American Asshole suggestions to

Someone did so last month, but I’m on the fence about the candidate’s assholiness. I can see how, on one hand, people might think so. I can also se how people would NOT see that point. It really is a toss-up in my mind. Therefore, I don’t feel right about listing this person below, because even if that person gets NO votes from you, the reader, being listed below is a statement that I think that person is being an asshole. I’m not sure of that in this instance, but I also don’t want to offhandedly dismiss the possibility. I’m going to let you, the reader, decide if this person is an asshole at all, and if he deserves your vote for Asshole of the Month for March.

The person is John Edwards. The argument for his assholiness is this: if he runs for President, he isn’t giving his wife the attention she needs. If he wins, and she becomes more ill, he may not give the country the attention it deserves. The argument against his assholiness is that SHE has something to say about it as well, and she chose the campaign trail, and it’s no one else’s business.

The forum is open. Who do you vote for to be Asshole of the Month for March, 2007???

Conservative love towel Ann Coulter: You’re what’s wrong with political dialog. 4 votes

K-2: What’s it like to be a pussy?

Newt Gingrich – No, I do think “hypocrite” is the right word.

Alberto “Seedy” Gonzalez – Mistakes were made, alright- starting with your appointment. 2 votes

Fred Hiatt – Thank you, Dr. Zen

Richard Hatch – Newsflash, dipshit… tax evasion is a CRIME in this country.

Carol Burnette – Look, I’m a fan, but satire is fair play! 1 vote

Anthony Abbate – You’re a perfect example of the reason why millions of people just don’t trust cops. 4 votes

Ruben Navarette Jr. – That race card never gets old, does it?

Texas State Senator Dan Patrick – How about YOU raising them all? 2 votes



  1. OMG, this is a tough one! Coulter has to win an AA for sure, but that cop makes me sick. I hate that shit. But I have to go with Dan Patrick. FOAD, you asshole! Ah, that feels better.

  2. Gotta be Alberto. Think about it – every time he says anything in public it’s later contradicted by emails or some witness. Every time. And each time it’s contradicted, he tries some slimy way to explain it, which later is also shown to be a lie.

    It sort of begs the question whether the only qualification to be a part of the Bush administration is how well, how often, and how vigorously you lie.

    Ook ook

    PS: Who in the fuck recommended Edwards? That makes absolutely no sense.

  3. Sorry, Fez, suggestions are confidential. So you’re safe when you suggest someone, too!

    BTW, Fez, it was obviously a regular reader who suggested it, so a little tact would be in order.

  4. Gonzales has nothing on Janet Reno. That woman makes Ashcroft and Gonzalez look like Einstiens!

  5. Oh forgot to vote. It has to be Ann. Will she please just go away?

  6. I don’t know any of these people. We have so many arseholes in the UK we don’t get to hear about your candidates. I will have to come back and read about them later.

  7. Oh, you KNOW I gotta go Dan Patrick. I hate him like poison.

  8. Lucy – I KNOW you know Ann, and Alberto, too. But the real surprise……. you Brits don’t know Carol Burnette?????????

    DD- I got that idea from you, I think, didn’t I????

  9. Hey! I’m diggin’ that you’re putting the vote tally up – saves me from having to whip out the calculator. (Yes, I am that bad at math.)

  10. My vote is for Ann, but will this disallow her from further competition? Is that a rule here? If so, I’d vote for Carol Burnette, since she’s being a total dipshit about her character. I’d save the Ann vote for something juicier!

    And now, I think you have to throw in the Bill O’Reilly vs. Geraldo thing, since they are BOTH being assholes.

  11. Ann Coulter is the Asshole of The Millennium and beyond.

    I disagree about John Edwards. People who have not been through the devestation that is death-by-cancer truly do not know what is coming. Elizabeth Edwards is still a functioning person, so they aren’t fully aware of what is going to hit them and how hard. I actually feel sorry for them mostly because they think they will be able to do this, and I know that they won’t.

  12. Re: Edwards. It’s nobody’s fucking business (I’m sorry, was that tactful enough?). The sad thing is the media has already made it a defining issue (Katie Couric with her lame “some people say…”), enough so that Edwards’ campaign is, I fear, doomed. Asshole? I mean really. And panthergirl, I hope you don’t believe that sympathy like what you’ve expressed will “set them straight.” Exactly how do you KNOW they are incapable of this? For some people cancer IS a death sentence, but I didn’t get that from the news about Elizabeth.

    Your AA for March is no doubt Abbate, the big man off-duty Chicago cop beating up the little woman bartender.

    Bond said authorities were notified of the incident on February 21 but were unable to locate Abbate until mid-March.

    That makes me really glad I don’t live in Chicago anymore.

    P.S. – Can you explain the Hiatt pick? I see his opinion, but everyone’s got one of those, don’t they?

  13. O’Tim: I’d like to speak up a wee for panthergirl: she lost a husband to cancer, so she is, I believe, one of “some people” who knows all too well.

    That said, we can’t predict the future. Mrs. Edwards could pull off a miracle and live another 4 or 5 years, or she could die next month. The Edwards’ marriage held up through the death of their son, which speaks volumes about their strength, their love, and their determination. (Way more than that hag Coulter could ever own.)

  14. Abbate it is, I’ve grown up on fear of Chicago cops, and it’s always been well founded.

  15. Panthergirl – follow that link of O’Tim’s, you will see what that tone of his is all about. It’s not personal, it’s just a timing thing.

    O’Tim – Hiatt speaks for a lot of conservatives who feel that Scooter got the shaft because he fell into a “perjury trap” over something unimportant. They’re forgetting how important it was to them when it was Clinton.

    Cody – I’ve had problems with them myself, and I’ve never lived closer than Elgin.

  16. sign me up for Ann Coulter as Asshole of EVERY Month.

  17. Carol Burnette? Never heard of her. I had a read through a few of them and i give my vote to Anthony Abbate.

  18. I’d vote for Ann but I suspect that she really enjoys being everyone’s favourite asshole. So instead, I’m going for Alberto.

  19. I’m torn between Newt and Carol. I think Carol has a lot of damn nerve but is she an asshole? Newt is always an asshole but this isn’t really a surprising level of assholery.

    I agree w/ Nat. That Geraldo/O’Reilly thing was a delicious display of assholery. It’s like when Notre Dame plays Miami. All you can root for is injury 😉

  20. O’Reilly is next month. Which one gets your vote NOW???

  21. My vote goes to Ann Coulter.

  22. I’m chiming in for Abbate. His position is a public trust, and he is supposed to be a servant, not an overlord.

  23. Edwards has conducted himself admirably and totally in accordance with his principles. His wife decides what what is happening to her body means.

    About Hiatt. A free press is an essential element in a democracy. But like all the elements of a democracy, it must do its job. Now you have a Democratic congress, the legislative wing of gov’t is finally doing its job. But the press has gone missing. The WPost is a paper of record. It has a duty if not to tell the truth, then not to simply repeat the gov’t’s bullshit uncritically. Among other things, Hiatt span the shit on Libby. It’s not comparable with Clinton, and Joe, you do yourself no credit in repeating that wingnut talking point. Clinton was caught in a perjury trap over a blowjob. Libby was not trapped. He lied to cover up the outing of a secret agent. Suggesting that he did nothing wrong makes a person an arsehole in my books. Maybe you think it’s okay that the powerful lie, O’Tim. I don’t.

  24. And before you start, Pelosi did absolutely nothing wrong. Another wingnut talking point that has no substance at all.

  25. Zen- I haven’t actually made a point about Pelosi yet, therefore I can’t be wrong. I mentioned her because every month there is at least one person who says “but what about so-and-so?” when the events they are talking about occurred in the same month. I was pre-empting that. I do think she did ONE thing wrong – you’ll find out what in early May.

    My point on perjury is that the Republicans, and Hiatt as well, are pushing the idea that Libby didn’t do anything wrong and that he was trapped. They are claiming that the Dems are plotting a similar fate for Gonzales. They are conveniently forgetting just how important perjury was to them 8 years ago. They are pretending that Libby was trapped and Clinton wasn’t. Honest people know that both committed perjury, period.

    O’Tim is a lefty, actually, but he is fair about giving an ear to opposing views. Laudable, that.

  26. Maybe you think it’s okay that the powerful lie, O’Tim

    Zen – I don’t think that gov’t BS is okay. I asked for Joe to qualify Hiatt as a contender based on the fact that you could essentially fill up this monthly AA competition with an endless supply of editorial gasbags. I think for the most part Joe is pretty discriminating and creative with his picks, so I was essentially asking him to give a reason why Hiatt is so special compared to the others. That said, I accept your fine explanation and respect your vote (though you have yet to cast it officially).

  27. Take it as a late entry candidate for this month or chalk him up for next, but one name takes all: Imus. And that’s all I’m sayin’.

  28. Bimbo- Imus is already in the draft for next month’s contest.

    O’Tim – No, he did,’t actually vote, and neither did Eden. Evidently, they want the terrorists to win. Sad, innit? 🙂

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