Dear Glen Beck,

You’re a prick. I will tell you why.

The other day, Tuesday April 24, I had a few minutes at home before going to my Astronomy final. While Angus was in the backyard doing what dogs do in the backyard, I flipped on the TV, which was still set to CNN, as I had been watching the news in the morning. I immediately heard you screaming like a lunatic. Really, you sounded like Howard Dean, and I immediately wondered what you had had to say about Dean on that day a few years ago.

I forgot about that as I lstened to what you were screaming about. You were screaming about the war funding bill. You were a bit incensed that the Democrats would send a bill to the White House that they know the President would veto. You seemed to feel that they should only be sending him a bill that he would be willing to sign.

It made me wonder how someone gets a job like yours without understanding how our government works. Or is supposed to work, anyway. Well, since I haven’t forgotten high school in a haze of pot smoke, I’ll enlighten you.

You see, we don’t have a king. We have a president. That means that while he does have veto power, he does not have the power to actually dictate the actions of Congress. It also means that he needs to care what the people, and our elected representatives in Congress, want. It isn’t all about us just shutting our mouths and letting him decide ecverything for as long as he’s in office.

You must be confusing us with Cuba. They have a system like that there.

While you may not be up on this particular fact, most of us realise that this Congress is doing exactly what we sent them to Washington to do. Public opinion has turned dramatically against this wasteful, unproductive kill-fest. Now, you conservatives were more than happy, back in 2003 and 2004, to point out every five minutes that the majority of Americans supported the war, and that it was only a “radical fringe” that opposed it. Well, now, the majority wants it ended, so you, being an intellectually honest man, should respect that, right?

Evidently not. The next thing I heard was you calling the Democrats and all their supporters “liberal hippie communists.”

How trite. Trite, trite, trite. Don’t you know that communists aren’t the enemy anymore? In China, as a matter of fact, communists are “Most Favored Trading Partners” despite having an atrocious human rights record. Of course, such abstracts as “human rights” only matter when someone like Sadaam violates them. The fact is, communists are out – Islamic Fundamentalists and Democrats are the boogeymen under the bed that Republicans now use to frighten their children. At least you got it half right.

Buit why indulge in this type of name-calling at all? Because “everyone does it?” Well, if everyone lit a joint while jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge, would you do that, too? The fact is it’s childish, it’s unproductive, and it’s needlessly divisive, and you KNOW it. It is, in fact, why you do it. You want the choir you’re preaching to avoiding even LISTENING to the American Majority, so you’re doing your best to demonise them. You are demonising and insulting your fellow Americans by calling them communists. We should be united enough to be able to discuss our issues and compromise, but you would rather add to the chasm that is separating our country today. Just what kind of American does that make you?

A very, very bad one, I would say. The worst kind. The kind that is willing to do something he knows is wrong for his country just to make a buck.

About this time, I heard you ask America the very same question I was thinking about asking you. “How do you sleep?”

Your idea, and I use that term loosely, was that we had “promised to learn the lesson of Vietnam, which was to let the Generals fight the war, instead of the politicians”, and we aren’t doing that.

Boy, where to start?

First, Generals don’t fight wars in America. Poor and middle class kids do.

Secondly, politicians have always been in charge of the war. Remember, this war was started by a couple of politicians who were kept well away from Vietnam by the silver spoons in their mouths. Every time a General has said anything to the press about things in Iraq not working out as they were supposed to, that General is then replaced by a Bushco lapdog who’ll tell the right lies.

Furthermore, there is, once again, no promise of autonomy for the president. All presidents from Washington on down have been expected to work within a system of checks and balances. It is, in fact, the American way. I know, you’d like blind obedience to authority to be the American way, but once again you’re confusing us with someone else. This country is the one ostensibly of, by, and for THE PEOPLE. We aren’t a detriment to the actions of government. We are the source of its’ power.

Besides, was that the lesson of Vietnam? Some say that the lesson of Vietnam was to support the army, and never question the cause. Of course, that’s palpable, un-American bullshit as well.

Perhaps the lesson of Vietnam is that no one appointed us to be the world’s police force. Perhaps the lesson of Vietnam was to be more careful about letting our “leaders” use boogeymen to scare us into wars that we don’t necessarily need to wage. Perhaps the lesson of Vietnam was that many countries don’t want to be occupied by us any more than they want to be occupied by anyone else, and don’t like their children being killed by anybody. Or perhaps the lesson of Vietnam was to actually take some fucking time to learn about the means, tactics, culture, and motivations of the enemy so our soldiers don’t end up dying with their dicks in their hands while the enemy runs rings around them. Perhaps it also had something to do with outfitting our soldiers properly from the start. Or even going after the proper enemy, instead of creating one more convenient.

But here’s the best part.

“Iraqi children aren’t wetting themselves because American soldiers are there, they’re wetting themselves because there are not enough American soldiers there to protect them!”

Second part first. You don’t think there are enough US soldiers there? And you’re yelling at the Democrats? Did Democrats set troop levels? Or was it Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld, and now Gates? You know, I think it was the latter set. The same people you say are doing so fucking well that we should all leave them be.

Furthermore, they could be wetting themselves because their bathrooms got blown, ironically enough, all to shit. Or perhaps they’re wetting themselves because they know what you are not at all willing to admit. That while Saddam was certainly no Good King Wenceslaus, they were safer with him than with the country we’ve created for them.

So, in closing, I have to say that you are making your living by purposely misleading, insulting, and dividing your own people. Your job is to do harm to a country you should know more about, and claim to love but don’t.

That’s why you’re a prick. I just thought I’d do you a favor and let you know.

You have a nice day, now.

Yours truly,

Joe the Troll



  1. So, what do you really think?

    Ook ook

  2. Nice rant! I was going to do one but couldn’t find anything to get enraged over. Couldn’t even summon up my usual faux snarkasm. I had to resort to the green condom. Pathetic.

  3. Well, of course, you’re quite right in much of what you say, however…

    The fact is it’s childish, it’s unproductive, and it’s needlessly divisive, and you KNOW it. It is, in fact, why you do it.

    Let’s not pretend this is somehow different from the norm for both parties, ‘kay? This is SOP #1 in DC and has been for decades…

  4. Dude, you seriously need to create another haze of pot smoke and chill.

  5. I’m not pretending that, Looney. I’m talking directly to Glen here, though. What “liberal” TV commentator would you say is also guilty? And does that make it okay? See above, the bit about “everybody does it.” We don’t accept that from kids, so should we allow ourselves, as adults, that luxury?

  6. TLG – why? People just saying “Oh well” is why the political dialog in this country has degraded to the level of an elementary school kickball game.

  7. Omg, the green condom was funny.

  8. That guy is just another Limbaugh. When I’m at the gym in the sauna after working out, we’ve got this guy who comes in there regurgitating this crap whenever the subject of politics comes up. Of course, the biggest blowhards have never worn the uniform. I’m like “look, I just pumped iron to release this anger, so don’t go harshing my mellow by spewing this bullshit”. I then start talking about the Red Wings, and then this asswipe REALLY pisses me off by talking about the Lions. At this point, I say fuck it and do 20 laps in the pool before my head explodes. I mean, WTF? It’s bad enough to hear it on TV, I don’t need it there, too! I comizerate with you, fellow free thinking citizen!

  9. Bravo Joe, Bravo.

    Checks and balances matter. And so does the president remembering that he is STILL an elected official.

  10. Awesome. Didja send it in?

  11. I’m convinced! Not just a prick but a thick prick!

  12. Oh I hear ya Joe (checks and balances – not misrepresenting things, etc) – I was just messin with you. Hence, the ‘:)’….

  13. great post- i saw a bumper sticker the othere day… “if you are not outraged, you are not paying attention”. (apathy makes me want to puke)

  14. also, stuff like that is why i don’t watch tv.

  15. That was…beautiful. I laughed. I cried. It became a part of me.

    Seriously, SEND IT IN!

  16. We aren’t a detriment to the actions of government. We are the source of its power.

    Beautiful. And righties say the left is full of elitists.

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