American Asshole- April: Byron Perkins

The votes this month were a bit more thinly spread than in the past. Out of twelve eager contestants, only three failed to get a vote*. This tells me that I did my job this month, and provided an ample grab-bag of grade “A” rectums. While no one got a lot of votes, there was one clear winner.

Congradulations go to Byron Perkins. First, you were a mere convict. Then you moved up into the ranks of “America’s Most Wanted.” Now you’ve hit the heights for your profession – you are, indeed, Asshole of the Month for April, 2007!

Don’t scoff, now, this is NOT an easy accomplishment. Just ask Alberto Gonzales, the “Susan Lucci” of AA.

Now, my voters will usually go for a candidate whose assholiness affects multitudes, but this time we went “down home.” Perhaps because you did something so utterly rank that I can’t even honestly say I’d expect it from Dick Cheney.

In case you’re not familiar, Byron Perkins was a prisoner in Kentucky who was temporarily released because he convinced the warden and his family that he intended to donate a kidney to his son, who expected to die otherwise. As soon as he was released, he and his girlfriend (who obviously does NOT have that ol’ biological clock ticking away) skipped town, leaving his son to die. Well, he fooled them by getting a kidney from someone else. Here’s what he thinks of his dad.

Meanwhile, Byron and his slut-thing have been captured and are back in Kentucky, and if that isn’t punishment enough, they are also in jail. It’s easy to wish for them to stay there, live the rest of their lives there, and be fed to the german shepherds after they die. Or maybe just before.

American Asshole will be back at the beginning of June. If you see something in the news that you think qualifies, you are welcome to suggest it to me, either in a comment or at .

* I was a little surprised that George Tenet didn’t get any votes, after helping sell a war with “intelligence” that he knew was false, and then trying to claim that he was victimised. I hope you are victimised, George, by the ghost of every soldier and civilian you got a medal for helping kill.


American Asshole: April

Here’s this month’s heapin’ helpin’ o’ hemorroids.

Chuck Missler (1): Leave the science to your intellectual superiors. Mongoloids, for instance.

Bill O’Reilly (1) : Not only does your argument qualify, but you’re also an asshole for making me agree with Geraldo.

Don Imus  (1) : You’re not in a position to make this kind of mistake.

Rev. Al Sharpton (2) : You’re not helping anyone, you’re just keeping your name in the news.

Nancy Pelosi : I don’t begrudge you the trip, but you should have had your facts straight. (Thanks to Law Wench for the link.)

Mitt Romney (2) : Not running on an “honesty” platform, I take it. Let me guess….. you saw how well this worked for Kerry, and you just had to try it!

Nancy Grace (1) : Your crow’s getting cold. And you got snitty with my friend for no reason, bitch.

Rudy Giuliani : I guess you’re sticking with the fear/9-11 thing because you have nothing else to offer us, eh?

Byron Perkins (3) : I hope you’re not expecting a card on Father’s Day.

John McCain (2) : OK, help me here….just what the fuck is funny about this war?

Laura Bush (1) : You don’t know what the word “suffer” means.

George Tenet : You had options, asshole. Not being a liar was one of them. Thanks, O’Tim.

Vote for your favorite!

American Asshole: Anthony Abbate

Once again, the people have spoken, and elected Anthony Abbate to be March’s Asshole of the Month. He will now compete for the 2007 Asshole of the Year title next January.

While tied in the first round, he soundly thrashed opposing sphincter Ann Coulter by a considerable margin in the tie-breaker. Ironically, if he had beaten the bartender in a contest and opened the 55 gallon drum of whoop-ass on Coulter’s face instead of doing things the other way around, he probably wouldn’t have nearly so many people against him. Here is a better account of the story than the previous link provided.

Sharing his prize is the entire Chicago Police Department, for the sheer assholiness of charging him with a misdemeanor at first. Felony charges were levelled at him only AFTER the video became a media sensation. I guess we should be happy that they bothered to charge him at all. They didn’t when he was caught driving drunk, after all.

Also sharing the prize is every drunken bum that stood there and watched it happen. He’s bigger than you? So what? That doesn’t prevent you from picking up a bottle of vodka (the cheap stuff, natch) and smashing it to bits on his drunken piggy head. In Chicago, though, the guy who does that to a cop might end up floating face-down in the Chicago River.

Don’t think that’s true? You think perhaps that this is one bad egg giving the whole basket a bad name? Then you aren’t familiar with Chicago cops. You’ve probably never been screamed at for asking one of those useless motherfuckers for directions. I’ll bet you’ve never been pulled over just for driving through downtown with a tie-die shirt on. You’ve obviously never been to a Grateful Dead concert at Soldier Field. If you spend enough time in Chicago, you learn to avoid the cops entirely, even if you aren’t doing anything illegal. The cops don’t need you, and man, they expect the same.

I also find it disturbing that while the video is easy to find and watch, I couldn’t find a picture of this asshole even with considerable Googling. Why not, I wonder. Anyone else gets arrested and their mug shot is public domain. Of course, they will protect and serve their own, if no one else.

Let’s hope this prick gets a lengthy stay in the Sodomy Ward at Cook County. It is absolutely no less than he deserves.

American Asshole: March Tiebreaker!

Well, folks, this month’s contest has ended in a tie, so here we go again! This time we have the two top contestants only. All prior votes are wiped clean, and everyone is now required to choose the greater of two assholes. The choices are:

Conservative love towel Ann Coulter: You’re what’s wrong with political dialog. 3 votes

Anthony Abbate – You’re a perfect example of the reason why millions of people just don’t trust cops. 15 votes.

These are some grade -A assholes here, folks. Only you can determine the winner! Remember, if you don’t vote, the Republicans terrorists win!

Since my previous vote had been for Abbate, I’m officially keeping it the same.


American Asshole: March

While I deal with a lot of political topics, I try not to pick an overall side. On some issues, like gay marriage or marijuana legalization, I’m liberal in my thinking. On others, like gun control or federal funding of abortions, I’m a conservative thinker. On other issues, like border security, I’m not either, because I’d actually like something done about it.

Anyway, I don’t want this to be a “liberal” blog or a “conservative” blog, because of that. Of course, people will tend to give labels anyway, as I said below, and that becomes easier when most of the AA candidates are on the right side of the aisle. I’m more than willing to consider liberals to be assholes, but it just seems that the most vocal and obvious assholes these days are among the conservatives (for the purposes of this post, Nancy Pelosi wouldn’t count, but she may NEXT month. This post is all about March, and her hotly contested actions started in April.) With that in mind, I have let it be known that all of you are welcome to make your American Asshole suggestions to

Someone did so last month, but I’m on the fence about the candidate’s assholiness. I can see how, on one hand, people might think so. I can also se how people would NOT see that point. It really is a toss-up in my mind. Therefore, I don’t feel right about listing this person below, because even if that person gets NO votes from you, the reader, being listed below is a statement that I think that person is being an asshole. I’m not sure of that in this instance, but I also don’t want to offhandedly dismiss the possibility. I’m going to let you, the reader, decide if this person is an asshole at all, and if he deserves your vote for Asshole of the Month for March.

The person is John Edwards. The argument for his assholiness is this: if he runs for President, he isn’t giving his wife the attention she needs. If he wins, and she becomes more ill, he may not give the country the attention it deserves. The argument against his assholiness is that SHE has something to say about it as well, and she chose the campaign trail, and it’s no one else’s business.

The forum is open. Who do you vote for to be Asshole of the Month for March, 2007???

Conservative love towel Ann Coulter: You’re what’s wrong with political dialog. 4 votes

K-2: What’s it like to be a pussy?

Newt Gingrich – No, I do think “hypocrite” is the right word.

Alberto “Seedy” Gonzalez – Mistakes were made, alright- starting with your appointment. 2 votes

Fred Hiatt – Thank you, Dr. Zen

Richard Hatch – Newsflash, dipshit… tax evasion is a CRIME in this country.

Carol Burnette – Look, I’m a fan, but satire is fair play! 1 vote

Anthony Abbate – You’re a perfect example of the reason why millions of people just don’t trust cops. 4 votes

Ruben Navarette Jr. – That race card never gets old, does it?

Texas State Senator Dan Patrick – How about YOU raising them all? 2 votes

Asshole of the Month for February: Mark R. Levin



For awhile, it looked like this month’s contest was going to be a tough one. It was almost cut-off time, and we had a four way tie. I was prepared to have a run-off election to determine the winner.

Then, we all got a little help.

It seems that when I linked to the site for the worship of Mark Levin, the right-wing douchebag that understands the concept of peace so little that he nominated fellow right-wing douchebag Rush Limbaugh (also a contestant) for a Nobel Peace Prize, someone there noticed. I assume that it was the administrator of the site, checking his sitemeter. You know how right-wing douchebags like to hover over those things.

Well, it seems that this person, K-2 a.k.a. K2 a.k.a. K 2 a.k.a. BJsCigarroller, didn’t like that. It also seems that this person with many names didn’t have sufficient intelligence or personality for ONE. He made his displeasure known by launching a comment spam campaign against your Troll and Narrator. While I tried to engage him in a discussion, he was only here to harrass. You all know the story, because while it was happening, many of you changed your votes. That happened enough times that I don’t even need to count. Mark Levin obviously won this month’s award.

And deservedly so. Nominating Rush for a Nobel prize is bad enough. So is making your living by polarizing the citizens of a country that you pretend to love. But the fact that he fosters, either directly or indirectly, this level of discourse seals the deal. I personally doubt that he told this pinhead to come and harass me, but he obviously has a following that considers this to be an appropriate reaction. I can’t imagine that someone would have treated me like that for nominating William F. Buckley or George Will.

And of course, dipshit of many names shares this award, and not only for being a jerkoff. If you go to his site (still linked in the March 1 post) you’ll see that he expressly demands that people express their opinions nicely, and without flaming or insults. I guess he feels that that level of respect is reserved for right-wingers. He’s obviously read “How to Talk to a Liberal (If You Must)”. He probably jerks off to pictures of Ann Coulter’s veiny neck.

Anyway, in recognition of his work, we’ve elected his idol, Mark R. Levin, February’s Asshole of the Month. He’ll be back in January to run for Asshole of the Year.

I wonder if K-2 will be stumping for him then, too.

American Asshole: February 2007

Well, you all know the drill now. Here are this month’s nominees with links to the assholery that got them here. For a short month, it was long on assholes, to be certain. Take a moment to read the links, the ones you haven’t heard of are some grade-A assholes. Pick one!

#1 – Rush Limbaugh – Not only does he call global warming a “religion” (as opposed to “science” like creationism) but he makes you join his damn club to read about it!

   This just in – Rush explains why blacks should love government.

#2 – Joe Biden – Yeah, we need ANOTHER president that has his foot in his mouth.

#3 – Rev. Ted Haggard – You are what you eat, and you’re an asshole.

#4 – William Lorenzo Page – You needn’t be famous to qualify.

#5 – Douglas Feith – Like it wasn’t already hard enough to trust the government.

#6 – Mark R. Levin – You think WHO deserves a Nobel Peace Prize?

#7 – Tim Hardaway – I guess this puts that Snickers thing in perspective, eh?

#8 – Bill Hohman – Minding your own business is a virtue.

#9 – The guy in the Bentley that cut Paula off – Watch where you’re going!

#10 – Bill Richardson – Why should anyone apologise for someone else’s words?

#11 – Craig Baker – It’s not a zoning issue, you’re just a hick racist shitkicker.