The votes this month were a bit more thinly spread than in the past. Out of twelve eager contestants, only three failed to get a vote*. This tells me that I did my job this month, and provided an ample grab-bag of grade “A” rectums. While no one got a lot of votes, there was one clear winner.
Congradulations go to Byron Perkins. First, you were a mere convict. Then you moved up into the ranks of “America’s Most Wanted.” Now you’ve hit the heights for your profession – you are, indeed, Asshole of the Month for April, 2007!
Don’t scoff, now, this is NOT an easy accomplishment. Just ask Alberto Gonzales, the “Susan Lucci” of AA.
Now, my voters will usually go for a candidate whose assholiness affects multitudes, but this time we went “down home.” Perhaps because you did something so utterly rank that I can’t even honestly say I’d expect it from Dick Cheney.
In case you’re not familiar, Byron Perkins was a prisoner in Kentucky who was temporarily released because he convinced the warden and his family that he intended to donate a kidney to his son, who expected to die otherwise. As soon as he was released, he and his girlfriend (who obviously does NOT have that ol’ biological clock ticking away) skipped town, leaving his son to die. Well, he fooled them by getting a kidney from someone else. Here’s what he thinks of his dad.
Meanwhile, Byron and his slut-thing have been captured and are back in Kentucky, and if that isn’t punishment enough, they are also in jail. It’s easy to wish for them to stay there, live the rest of their lives there, and be fed to the german shepherds after they die. Or maybe just before.
American Asshole will be back at the beginning of June. If you see something in the news that you think qualifies, you are welcome to suggest it to me, either in a comment or at email@example.com .
* I was a little surprised that George Tenet didn’t get any votes, after helping sell a war with “intelligence” that he knew was false, and then trying to claim that he was victimised. I hope you are victimised, George, by the ghost of every soldier and civilian you got a medal for helping kill.